Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.