HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
is this store having a stroke wtf
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
True
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other