HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
