Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat