Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
😂😂😂😂😂😂
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.