Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
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How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.