Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m giving up for Lent.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products