Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.