HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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This could’ve been an email.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love