Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.