Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Artwork by Herta Burbe

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.