Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.