Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato