Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…