Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
23. the denim jacket
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
This kid will have a bright future.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.