Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
THIS HEADLINE
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Never forget.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.