Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad