Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”