Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.