Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!