her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun
her: I see
Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”
Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.
DATE: I’m leaving
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol