I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”
Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”
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Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.