@nappydolemite

Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

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@mrjohndarby

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

@fro_vo

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@joejwest

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

@sixthformpoet

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

@DanMentos

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol