@nappydolemite

Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

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@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

@margolundy

Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@cm_rutvik

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

@craigrachel

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

@BigRedKraut

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

@Ideal_Victoria

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.