Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I think we should hear other voices.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
