Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
