Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
