Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes