Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
