Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

With a text.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*