Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.