Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it