Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”