Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
all that yoga finally paid off
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.