Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Livid.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣