Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.