HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.