HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂