Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.