Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
How many? 🤔
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
all bases covered
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Something Saturday.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”