Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

A wise man once said nothing.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

podcasts

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess