HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.