Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

The cashier just checked me out.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

File under excellent bookstore names.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again