Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Pizza is an emotion right?

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

😆this is so true

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Good morning ☺️

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before