Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.