her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
real
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator