Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.