Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pls suprot

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say