Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.