Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”