Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

August 8

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Me :

All Day At Night

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

I have taken up painting

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.