Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

The first one, obviously

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

😎

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.