Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
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I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Phones down.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
podcasts
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.