Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.