Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.