Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

Lmfaoooooo

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Barbie gone wild

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”