Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.