Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.