Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.