Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

i really liked this one

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*