Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior