Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out