Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
what’s really going on
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.