Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The United Steaks of America

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

just make the entire table out of coaster

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store