Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

linkedin the good parts

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.