Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.