HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
You Might Also Like
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it