Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.